It happened…it finally happened. I had a breakdown. It was another night filled with horrible storms both literally and figuratively. Like I mentioned in yesterday’s post I had fallen asleep with Addie as she worked through her struggles. I slept until about 12:30 when the horrible storms woke me up. I decided to go to my bed but couldn’t not fall back asleep. That is when it hit me! Overwhelm, sadness, fear, anxiety about everything that has been going on…mostly about Addie and the other two kids and my ability to help them through this. I pretty much had a full blown panic attack. I had to call Aaron up to bed to help calm me down. After about an hour I was exhausted. I rolled over and stared out the open window at the blooming tree. I was reminded of a verse. Psalm 30:5 (the second part) “weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning”
Indeed it did! Although I only got about 4 hours of sleep, I felt ready for a new day when I woke up. I even did two workouts. The sun shined bright on the soaked ground and wet trees. Parker woke up early (as normal) so I invited him, still in his footed PJ’s, to take a walk with me before everyone got up and the school day started. It was a lovely 15 minutes.
When we returned I got them breakfast and had my God time. My devotional talked about returning “home” or to the place of comfort after being gone or after wandering. Like being homesick. This was a reminder to continue to turn to the Lord for my strength and my comfort.
Today was a relaxed day of learning for the kids. After the last announcement that Indiana would not return to school, their school built Wednesday’s as an optional day. We did not tell the kids this but they sure noticed! LOL It was a very pleasant surprise and perfectly timed given the struggles Addie had the night before. It was also perfect because I had multiple Zoom meetings for work today so it allowed me to be less hands on with them for the day. Oh, and as a bonus Alaina finally got her wish of having a class meeting on Zoom! She loved seeing everyone!
They were all done by noon and enjoyed their show with Grandma while I met with all the seniors and admin to give updates on what things will look like for them with the new graduation requirements. They are so heartbroken. It has not yet been determined if we will be having graduation but from the way things are looking, it is doubtful. It was so refreshing to see their faces again though! I loved it!
The kids enjoyed reading on the porch. They were so cute. Addie was trying to teach Parker how to read a chapter book:) In the afternoon Addie made us fresh guacamole! It is my favorite thing she makes! We took a walk to the hill again where Alaina had a major meltdown. It’s getting real around here. She was so upset that she ran away from us, up and over the hill to the tree where Aaron found her and then she ran another direction. Needless to say we had to have some parent intervention with her later in the evening. She really struggled today.
After dinner I decided we should try to have a little fun together and play some basketball. That was okay for the most part other than Alaina refused to play until I made her and Parker had a breakdown about every few shots. Aaron was trying to catch some action shots and in the middle of that caught some pictures of what was really going on. I decided I have been transparent up to this point so we might as well keep it going. This is what is it like now trying to get an activity to work for the whole family!
Final thoughts and challenge: Today as I was reflecting on my meltdown last night, I was thinking about how focused I was on making sure I get it right with these kids. I am so stuck on trying my hardest not to mess them up and I put all that pressure on myself and then I had something pop in my head. These children are not our possession. These children were given to us to care for them and keep them safe and teach them about the Lord. Ultimately they are God’s children who he is entrusting to us while He works things out in their life.
I was reminded that I don’t have to feel the pressure to get it just right because they already have the perfect parent. I just need to be obedient, do my best, teach them about the Lord and PRAY for them! I DO NOT have to be perfect! They have free will and they will be who they are going to be and if I am doing what I am told, their choices will not define me as a parent. This lifts a tremendous amount of pressure off. Ultimately God’s got them, even when I fail!
Have you ever felt this way about your children, wondering if you will screw them up or if you are getting it right? Try to rest in the fact that they are in His hands and you are there to help lead them to him!