Well I had a breakdown today! More on that later! I took a beautiful 2 mile walk this morning and then did the live workout with my fitness group! It was called Legs Under Fire so you can imagine what that was like! It was a great workout!
Romans chapter 3 was my passage during God time this morning. There are some pretty big things explained. First off Paul reminds us that none of us are inherently righteous and none of us understand God, which we learned in Job. We all have sinned and fall short. However, when we believe we are considered righteous, this comes from our faith in Jesus, by his Grace. Then he brings in justification.
I always get these things confused but I think I might actually understand it now! Nothing we can do can justify us. Justification is God’s act of removing our guilt and penalty of sin while at the same time declaring the ungodly to be righteous through faith in Jesus alone. We receive righteousness from God and this allows us to have a right relationship with Him because without Christ our sin makes it impossible to have a relationship with him. In other words I am free to have a personal relationship with God and he only sees me as righteous, forgetting my sins! Thank the Lord for this!
My day was busy with work and the kids were not doing great with getting their work done. I tried to make things as fun as possible by playing some oldies and the girls and I made messy buns but it didn’t seem to motivate them!
After they did finish their school work, the only thing they wanted to do was be on a screen or play video games. So they did get that time (they have a certain amount of time each day) but after they were just awful. I happily said we were going to take a walk and you would have thought I asked them to do something horrible! They were all but throwing fits and being so rude and disrespectful.
Because my stress had been building all day, I couldn’t take it anymore, I lost it! The positive thing is that I did not lose it on the kids, well not really. I literally felt like I was going to burst and then I started to panic at the thoughts that were going through my head. I had to escape immediately or I was going to do something I regretted! So for the safety of my children and their emotional well being I charged out of the house and bolted down the sidewalk. The kids were yelling after me while running down the sidewalk. I turned around and very sternly told them to turn around and go back home and that they were not welcome to be with me.
I watched to be sure they made it back to Aaron, who was just rudely awakened from his nap by the comotion and had no idea what was happening, and continued forward. Almost the whole time I walked I was deep breathing, talking myself out of a panic attack and praying. Usually a walk will help me clear my head and get me back on track but not this walk! So when I returned, I talked to no one. I grabbed the car keys and told Aaron I was taking the car load of stuff we had packed, yesterday, to the storage unit, alone!
I zoomed away and put my favorite worship song on repeat, and it was blaring! I had to get myself back! I angrily unloaded the stuff into the storage unit and then just stopped, music still playing and collapsed on the floor of the storage unit and was still. It was there that I found my calm, well enough calm to return to my family. I am calling this my isolation freak out! I am not really sure what happened for the rest of the evening.
Final thoughts and challenge: Even though I freaked out, I am doing okay! I am not still stuck in that state of mind and actually I feel much better after having my little fit. But one thing I keep thinking of, are the thoughts that went through my head. There were some dark ones. Now, it was nothing that I could ever see happening but still that idea that my mind went there was enough to get my attention. What I learned from this is that I need to communicate better about what I am struggling with rather than let it build! Like today, I could have been talking to Aaron about the things that were causing me so much stress as the day went on rather than continuing to pile them up in my mind. Lesson learned!
Are you making sure you are sharing your frustrations? Do you have someone you can talk to about them so you don’t have to have an isolation freak out, or am I too late? If you already had your freak out, or two…or three, what can you learn from those so it’s not so bad next time? I have a feeling this won’t be my last!