Day 49 May 4th

It was much cooler this morning but still sunny and beautiful!! I walked a couple of miles and met up with my fitness group to do a live workout! I have a goal to walk a couple of miles this week in the morning in addition to my other workouts and runs. From all my walking last week I learned that I really love using the time of walking to pray and just focus on what is going on in my mind. I prefer to listen to podcasts or books while I run so walking gives me extra time to be silent.  This morning I prayed for my entire family each individually. 

For my God time I sat outside even though it was colder but a winter coat and blanket took care of any discomfort:)  I read Romans 7.  The thing that I always relate to best in Romans 7 are verses 15-20,  “15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”  

It is a bit of a tongue twister but so true! I always get so mad at myself when I do things that I hate and spend time trying to figure out why I keep doing the things I don’t want to do and why I can’t just do good like I would like to do! It is our sinful nature that keeps distracting us to go back to the old sinful ways. It is almost like a tug of war in our minds, always swaying back and forth between good and evil. But the one thing that keeps us from completing falling into sin, is Jesus! Paul continues on chapter 7, asking basically who will save me from myself? He answers praise be to God who has delivered us through Jesus! 

Today Alaina chose the meals so she helped prepare breakfast. We made Coco Wheats and Cloud Eggs. It was fun to teach her some new skills! Like I have said before, she is my nervous child so she gets a little afraid to try things, especially things that are hot or have fire. She did great though! I love watching her learn new things! 

After working I decided to take a walk because I felt so boxed in! I hate sitting so much all day, by the end I feel crazy! While I was on the walk I got a text from my fellow counselors asking if I saw the email saying we had to report to work next week! I all but freaked out! Through texting back and forth, we decided to meet tomorrow morning on zoom. 

I was a mess! I am not mentally prepared to be around people again and we have worked so hard to stay safe. I tried so hard to keep calm and just see how it would play out but my fear and annoyance got the best of me. Like why now and how can they have us do this with the executive order from the state saying no one was to be in the building until June 30th except for ESSENTIAL business. What do I need to do in my office that is so essential that I have not been doing at home? So many questions and the main concern is Nancy! I need to get my mask made. I warned the others that I will be in my office and shutting the door and not coming out until it is time to leave.  I am sure it will be okay! 

When I got back from my walk, I was still in a funk and that is how I remained the rest of the night but I kept myself distracted as I went in and out of prayer. After dinner we played Drawful with the kids and they loved it! It was nice to have family fun before bed.  Aaron put the kids to bed for me (we always do this together) so I could go in to work to finish up the schedules I was working on. I stayed until about 11:30 finishing them up. When I got home I was spent! Aaron was so kind and held me, gave me a back rub and then tucked me into bed and prayed with me to calm my nerves.

Final thoughts and challenge:  It always amazes me when I feel fear and doubt. I really truly believe that God has everything under control and He will take care of me but I always have this span of time where I can’t seem to help but worry and obsess about a situation.  I usually do a lot of self talk and tons of praying but my mind just races. 

I don’t know why I feel that I should be perfect at trusting him every time at that moment a situation hits. I guess this aligns with the passage I talked about today! I do the things I do not want to do! My flesh gets the better of me! A night of rest will help me calm down. In the morning I will run, which will help and I will spend more time with God then I should be good to go! 

What is your first response to a stressful situation? Can you relate to what I do? Is it easy for you to trust that things will be okay right away or do you have to work through some things first and then feel peace?

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